I like to think that I know myself pretty well. I'm consider myself introspective and I don't lie to myself about my wants, needs and desires. I know what my strengths are and I'm acknowledge my weaknesses. I'm not incredibly sensitive that I can't take criticism, but I have a stubbornness that is sometimes without merit. With that being said, after 23 (almost 24) years of life and introspection, I've developed certain rules that I find necessary for my survival.
There are preferences for every avenue of my life, including possible romantic entanglements. Now, I've said before that I'm an equal opportunity employer when it comes to racial and ethnic preferences, but I do have some absolute "NOs" in my little black book. In order of importance, they are:
Height. I don't date short dudes. I'm 5'8 and I've been indoctrinated by society, pop culture, and chiefly, my mother to believe that it is not okay to date a man shorter than me. My preference is for gentlemen who are 6 foot and upwards (6'2 being the gold standard). I wear heels. I like heels. I like being tall. In a perfect world, I'd have two more inches added to my legs, so I don't need a man that's going to be insecure about our height difference. Or my mother scolding me for the rest of eternity.
Age. It's not that I hate younger guys, it's just that I have a preference for older ones. I'm an old soul and I'm not looking for a youthful spirit to uplift me. I'd rather have an older man who can show me and teach me things. I want to be intellectually stimulated by my partner and although I do believe that a younger gent could accomplish that, he couldn't do that without me possessing resentment towards him for being smarter than me at a younger age. Tough Shit Young'in.
Occupation. I don't particularly care what career path my boo takes, as long as he's passionate about his work. Sure, there are some positions that I consider ideal, architect and professor, but I'm not a stickler about it. What I want to make sure is that I never get involved with a fighter. I don't want to date the next Mike Tyson or Pretty Boy Floyd. I have no interest in watching my significant other get the shit pounded out of him, or have him send someone to the hospital because of his brutishness. I don't find it sexy when guys fight in a ring. Now, if he's defending my honor, then it's a different story, an erotic story. But mindless fighting is a turn off. I don't have the emotional makeup to watch on the sidelines and cheer my BF. The only options are that I start crying helplessly, or I feel an intense need to get in the ring and help my boo out. I'm ride or die bitches.
Hair. I hate it, absolutely HATE it, when boys have that Bieber haircut. Now I know that the style existed pre-Justin, but I can't tolerate it. It's so stupid. I don't want my boyfriend to have bangs and constantly shake his head to get his hair out of his eyes. I want my man to look like a man and not a pre-pubescent girl, no matter how attractive that girl may be. This is last on the list, even though it's the thing I hate the most, because it can be easily remedied.
Now, may I ask you, why am I crushing on a guy who possess all of theses NOs? Fuck My Life.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Friday, February 3, 2012
Sunday, February 20, 2011
pink ladies and purposeful dreams...
I'm not even a struggling filmmaker. I'm just struggling. Hard. Every time I meet someone in the industry, they always want to know why an honor student went from the security of medicine to the freelance, unstable nature of film. Honestly, it wasn't an easy decision, but it was the right one. It's something that's been in the making for a long time. The first moment that I realized that performing was for me was the fourth grade.
In my elementary school, every year, each grade puts on a musical for the entire school. So every month there was a performance going on.
It wasn't until the third grade that I got a role with any substance; and it was a big one. I got to play Belle in The Beauty and The Beast. I went from being completely invisible in my school to having way too many people know me. That experience was wonderful, but I got a lot of hate from my peers. Our elementary school was exactly like Mean Girls. I had gone from being a loner to being an outcast because I got attention that wasn't approved by The Pink Ladies. Yes, in the third grade, up until the sixth grade, there was a legit clique of girls that made my life a living hell. They even had matching monogrammed grease jackets! However the third grade wasn't when I learned I wanted to be a performer. That revelation came a year later.
During the fourth grade, I won the role of Anna in The King and I. It was completely unexpected because no one had ever had the lead role twice. If I was a target before, then I was the ultimate kill in this playground battlefield. I worked so hard for this role, spending all my free time singing and rehearsing lines. I even had to learn to waltz in front of my entire grade. It was mortifying.
Finally the day of the show arrives and my nerves are threatening to debilitate me. I'm wearing a giant hoop skirt trying to dance and sing while a corset is puncturing my ribs. Even through the pain, I can recall having the most fun in my short life. When it came time for the final bow, the cast exited from backstage as we had rehearsed, with me being the last one to arrive on stage. I descend from the wings and do a full curtsy in front of the audience. This time was different than ever other time we rehearsed because there was a live audience there, not just rowdy fourth graders. When I looked up from my curtsy, to my surprise, I received a standing ovation. It shocked me. I couldn't believe that what I loved and enjoyed doing gave other people joy as well. I was hooked from that moment onward.
Now from that point onward, I thought that I just wanted to be an actress. It wasn't until I saw my favorite movie that I knew I couldn't stop there. I saw Pulp Fiction for the first time when I was eight years old on television. I'm pretty sure it was on the WB but who can be sure? I watched the entire film in awe with my mouth ajar and I didn't understand what I saw. After the movie finished, I recall thinking "Wow, you can do that?" I didn't know that movies didn't have to be generic and formulaic. It changed my entire paradigm and to this day I think Tarantino is a fucking genius. Sure I may come off as a movie snob with my independent films and foreign cinema, but I know I love a film when I feel it in my bones. It can change you profoundly. Honestly my movie obsession doesn't make me cool; it makes me a loser. Only dweebs and nerds are obsessed with anything. I'm proud to say that I'm obsessed with Jules and Vincent Vega and that movie made me want to become a filmmaker.
Sure half of the screenplays I write are garbage and the other half are unfinished, but it gives me such joy to attempt to follow my dreams. Maybe I'll never succeed. Maybe I'll give in and be at a corporate job working for the man. I dunno. I can't predict the future. But at least I'm trying. So regardless if I'm living it up in a penthouse with my banker husband, I'll have the original B-roll from my failed films and the pictures of the times I spent sleeping on numerous couches.
In my elementary school, every year, each grade puts on a musical for the entire school. So every month there was a performance going on.
It wasn't until the third grade that I got a role with any substance; and it was a big one. I got to play Belle in The Beauty and The Beast. I went from being completely invisible in my school to having way too many people know me. That experience was wonderful, but I got a lot of hate from my peers. Our elementary school was exactly like Mean Girls. I had gone from being a loner to being an outcast because I got attention that wasn't approved by The Pink Ladies. Yes, in the third grade, up until the sixth grade, there was a legit clique of girls that made my life a living hell. They even had matching monogrammed grease jackets! However the third grade wasn't when I learned I wanted to be a performer. That revelation came a year later.
During the fourth grade, I won the role of Anna in The King and I. It was completely unexpected because no one had ever had the lead role twice. If I was a target before, then I was the ultimate kill in this playground battlefield. I worked so hard for this role, spending all my free time singing and rehearsing lines. I even had to learn to waltz in front of my entire grade. It was mortifying.
Finally the day of the show arrives and my nerves are threatening to debilitate me. I'm wearing a giant hoop skirt trying to dance and sing while a corset is puncturing my ribs. Even through the pain, I can recall having the most fun in my short life. When it came time for the final bow, the cast exited from backstage as we had rehearsed, with me being the last one to arrive on stage. I descend from the wings and do a full curtsy in front of the audience. This time was different than ever other time we rehearsed because there was a live audience there, not just rowdy fourth graders. When I looked up from my curtsy, to my surprise, I received a standing ovation. It shocked me. I couldn't believe that what I loved and enjoyed doing gave other people joy as well. I was hooked from that moment onward.
Now from that point onward, I thought that I just wanted to be an actress. It wasn't until I saw my favorite movie that I knew I couldn't stop there. I saw Pulp Fiction for the first time when I was eight years old on television. I'm pretty sure it was on the WB but who can be sure? I watched the entire film in awe with my mouth ajar and I didn't understand what I saw. After the movie finished, I recall thinking "Wow, you can do that?" I didn't know that movies didn't have to be generic and formulaic. It changed my entire paradigm and to this day I think Tarantino is a fucking genius. Sure I may come off as a movie snob with my independent films and foreign cinema, but I know I love a film when I feel it in my bones. It can change you profoundly. Honestly my movie obsession doesn't make me cool; it makes me a loser. Only dweebs and nerds are obsessed with anything. I'm proud to say that I'm obsessed with Jules and Vincent Vega and that movie made me want to become a filmmaker.
Sure half of the screenplays I write are garbage and the other half are unfinished, but it gives me such joy to attempt to follow my dreams. Maybe I'll never succeed. Maybe I'll give in and be at a corporate job working for the man. I dunno. I can't predict the future. But at least I'm trying. So regardless if I'm living it up in a penthouse with my banker husband, I'll have the original B-roll from my failed films and the pictures of the times I spent sleeping on numerous couches.
Friday, January 21, 2011
a case of boys and women....
Yesterday was weird. I was at work, trying to actually do work. But that's not the weird part. For most of January, my office has been completely empty. With most of the faculty on vacation or on winter session trips abroad (India and Bangladesh), NYU becomes a ghost town. I don't really mind it at all. A little solitude works for me. I play my youtube playlist, eat my homemade lunch, and gchat for the majority of the day. The only sour note is when one of my several stalkers come to visit (I'm referring to you, Mailman, who has decided to call me "Love" and "Sweetie" and the lesbian security guard who mistakes my politeness as a desire to get it on). But yesterday, people decided to show up.
Now one the graduate students in the program, Cindy, came to meet with one of the professors. Cindy is chill, a little too bubbly for my distinct taste, but has a good heart and doesn't tolerate bullshit. Cindy is a young, attractive, smart blonde who desires to be married by 30. She's basically the Elle Woods of NYU Graduate scene. She's from the Midwest and has certain ideals about love, relationships, and marriage. She wants the whole package and is tired of New York boys (And yes all males in New York are boys. Men are a very rare species here). She's constantly complaining that all the guys she goes out with are douche bags and the ones that like her, she doesn't feel any physical attraction for. I understand that this must be aggravating, but I can't really offer any solace. I was raised in the NYC dating fiasco. No one in New York wants a real relationship. We juggle several people at once and are striving to succeed at our careers. A lot of the time we put intimacy on the back burner--especially the men here. They don't have a biological clock. When they're ready to settle down (at around age 40), they'll hook up with a young, ripe, 22 year old (like me!). This seems to infuriate Cindy, and I don't blame her. But we can't change society.
Look at The Millionaire Matchmaker. Several of my friends received casting emails to be on the show. No one I knew actually went to the casting but six month later, I was at home, watching television, when I saw my friend Carolyn on the fucking show. It blew my fucking mind. Not only was Carolyn on the show, but she got picked to go on the super exclusive mixer date, where Patti, the show's host, only allowed four females to attend. Now it wasn't that I don't like Carolyn (I actually think she's a sweetheart), but she's only 22 years old. She just graduated college when she was picked for the show and now you want to marry her off to some 35 year old millionaire. That seems crazy to me. What would they talk about? College Bars and dorm room fires? Get the fuck out of here. I don't believe in marriage at a young age, especially when you don't know yourself sufficiently to make a decision to stay with someone for the rest of your life! What's the rush? At 22 years old, I don't think the biological clock is ticking. I don't even think there are batteries in it. So calm the fuck down, young girls. Live a little. Don't let a man put you away in a big house to keep you as a trophy. Sure you can have a sugar daddy (and if you find one, let me know if he's interested in a group rate. I have bills that need to be paid), but don't limit yourself just yet.
Granted I'm devastated at the image of the 20 year old bride, but how will I feel when I'm the forty year old spinster with my cats. I'm not sure. Somehow in all my Gloria Steinem pride, I still envision myself getting married and having a family (but then again Gloria got married too--to Christian Bale's father). However my current actions aren't really helping that image become a reality. So I'm reminded of Cindy, who brought up the point that if you're not actively searching for Mr. Right right now, who's to blame when you don't find him? If Cindy, the prototype for all things girly can't find a man that wants to settle down with her, what hope does the ball buster, who wears oxfords and button downs have? Fuck it, I'm moving to the South. I hear there are real men out there.
Now one the graduate students in the program, Cindy, came to meet with one of the professors. Cindy is chill, a little too bubbly for my distinct taste, but has a good heart and doesn't tolerate bullshit. Cindy is a young, attractive, smart blonde who desires to be married by 30. She's basically the Elle Woods of NYU Graduate scene. She's from the Midwest and has certain ideals about love, relationships, and marriage. She wants the whole package and is tired of New York boys (And yes all males in New York are boys. Men are a very rare species here). She's constantly complaining that all the guys she goes out with are douche bags and the ones that like her, she doesn't feel any physical attraction for. I understand that this must be aggravating, but I can't really offer any solace. I was raised in the NYC dating fiasco. No one in New York wants a real relationship. We juggle several people at once and are striving to succeed at our careers. A lot of the time we put intimacy on the back burner--especially the men here. They don't have a biological clock. When they're ready to settle down (at around age 40), they'll hook up with a young, ripe, 22 year old (like me!). This seems to infuriate Cindy, and I don't blame her. But we can't change society.
Look at The Millionaire Matchmaker. Several of my friends received casting emails to be on the show. No one I knew actually went to the casting but six month later, I was at home, watching television, when I saw my friend Carolyn on the fucking show. It blew my fucking mind. Not only was Carolyn on the show, but she got picked to go on the super exclusive mixer date, where Patti, the show's host, only allowed four females to attend. Now it wasn't that I don't like Carolyn (I actually think she's a sweetheart), but she's only 22 years old. She just graduated college when she was picked for the show and now you want to marry her off to some 35 year old millionaire. That seems crazy to me. What would they talk about? College Bars and dorm room fires? Get the fuck out of here. I don't believe in marriage at a young age, especially when you don't know yourself sufficiently to make a decision to stay with someone for the rest of your life! What's the rush? At 22 years old, I don't think the biological clock is ticking. I don't even think there are batteries in it. So calm the fuck down, young girls. Live a little. Don't let a man put you away in a big house to keep you as a trophy. Sure you can have a sugar daddy (and if you find one, let me know if he's interested in a group rate. I have bills that need to be paid), but don't limit yourself just yet.
Granted I'm devastated at the image of the 20 year old bride, but how will I feel when I'm the forty year old spinster with my cats. I'm not sure. Somehow in all my Gloria Steinem pride, I still envision myself getting married and having a family (but then again Gloria got married too--to Christian Bale's father). However my current actions aren't really helping that image become a reality. So I'm reminded of Cindy, who brought up the point that if you're not actively searching for Mr. Right right now, who's to blame when you don't find him? If Cindy, the prototype for all things girly can't find a man that wants to settle down with her, what hope does the ball buster, who wears oxfords and button downs have? Fuck it, I'm moving to the South. I hear there are real men out there.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
my personal motto...
Yesterday I read an article on cosmo.com that raised questions in my head all day. It was about the perfect age to get married. Apparently the experts at Cosmo feel that age 25 is the perfect age for a female to tie the knot. They didn't mention anything about the potential spouse's age, but they confirmed that a woman knows herself around age 25 and can handle pressures of a marriage. Now I don't really care when a chick decides to jump the broom. As long as none of my friends pops out a kid prior to 25, I'm good money. But I started evaluating my life after reading that article. Hey sometimes Cosmo can do that to a girl.
I'm realizing that my feminist attitude towards life may be a hindrance as well. In many ways my motto in life is "Fuck Bitches. Get Money". I don't really care for the icky entanglements of a relationship. I would much rather flirt with a bevy of boys until I get bored and then move onto another crop then to be tied down to boy that wants to divulge his mommy issues. Gross. However, the selection pool is getting slimmer and slimmer and realistically how much longer can I go on without a real relationship? When I look at my future, the most prevalently consistent theme is my career. I want to be an actor/direct/producer/philanthropist. But I do want to be a wife/mother/baker extraordinaire. Those two sides of myself don't reconcile very well with each other and I think the career side won out because I've had the most control over that particular area of my life. I can't choose when and with whom I fall in love. But I can choose which internship to apply for and where to send my resume.
I think the lack of control in a relationship is my biggest turn-off to the whole endeavor. Once you're in a relationship, you have to learn to compromise. My parents have been madly in love for over thirty years and it shows. They work extremely hard at their relationship and put in the time and effort to make it work. However, they both had to sacrifice some of their dreams to get there. If you ask either of them, they don't regret it, but they wish it could have worked out somewhat differently. I don't want to become a slave to my relationship and not be able to fulfill myself. However in my attempt to guard my heart and personal vision, I've built a wall so high and sturdy that even I couldn't climb over it. I've been so safe in terms of boys and have just chocked up every chink in my armor to a stupid boy who didn't mean anything and then I'm "on to the next one". I've even gone so far to sabotage futures with people I really cared about because I didn't want to risk falling in love.
In the past few days, I realized that I was crushing on this boy and I didn't know how to handle it. I care about him, but I can't see a future with him. I only see the potential heartbreak. I've never seen a future with anyone (well except for one kid, but I can't even go into that. I'm still upset with myself over that. And no amount of facebook stalking will relieve that). Maybe I'm not meant to fall "in love". Maybe I should remain content with falling "in lust".
The weirdest thing is that it doesn't make me upset. I've resigned to the fact that the world is ending before I have to deal with people wondering why I'm the old spinster.Yet even my dad told me the other day that I need to find a boyfriend. Thanks for the pressure dad. It used to be "Finish school!" and now it's "Find a husband". Everyone has these expectations of the trajectory that your life should take, especially as a female. First you finish college, then you find a husband and then you have kids. It's as if my college education was simply our new age form of a dowry. The more higher education, the better the prospects you can attract (the same can also be said for breasts).
I'm not sure that I'm ready to deal with this aspect of my life. I also need to stop becoming friends with people that I could like. I hate the thought of potentially ruining a friendship. I think our generation has also forgone dating, and now we're content with the facebooking and sending text messages in lieu of actual connection. Plus I don't like it when creepy guys facebook me. So where do I find this gentlemen of quality? The most consistent answer I get is "on the train". That sounds like a good idea in theory, and I've seen some hot tamales on the L, but if you know me, you also know that the weirdos love to attack me while I'm on public transit. I've got a story for stop on the L train.
All I know is that I need to figure out what I'm going to do soon. Till then, as always, Fuck Bitches. Get Money.
I'm realizing that my feminist attitude towards life may be a hindrance as well. In many ways my motto in life is "Fuck Bitches. Get Money". I don't really care for the icky entanglements of a relationship. I would much rather flirt with a bevy of boys until I get bored and then move onto another crop then to be tied down to boy that wants to divulge his mommy issues. Gross. However, the selection pool is getting slimmer and slimmer and realistically how much longer can I go on without a real relationship? When I look at my future, the most prevalently consistent theme is my career. I want to be an actor/direct/producer/philanthropist. But I do want to be a wife/mother/baker extraordinaire. Those two sides of myself don't reconcile very well with each other and I think the career side won out because I've had the most control over that particular area of my life. I can't choose when and with whom I fall in love. But I can choose which internship to apply for and where to send my resume.
I think the lack of control in a relationship is my biggest turn-off to the whole endeavor. Once you're in a relationship, you have to learn to compromise. My parents have been madly in love for over thirty years and it shows. They work extremely hard at their relationship and put in the time and effort to make it work. However, they both had to sacrifice some of their dreams to get there. If you ask either of them, they don't regret it, but they wish it could have worked out somewhat differently. I don't want to become a slave to my relationship and not be able to fulfill myself. However in my attempt to guard my heart and personal vision, I've built a wall so high and sturdy that even I couldn't climb over it. I've been so safe in terms of boys and have just chocked up every chink in my armor to a stupid boy who didn't mean anything and then I'm "on to the next one". I've even gone so far to sabotage futures with people I really cared about because I didn't want to risk falling in love.
In the past few days, I realized that I was crushing on this boy and I didn't know how to handle it. I care about him, but I can't see a future with him. I only see the potential heartbreak. I've never seen a future with anyone (well except for one kid, but I can't even go into that. I'm still upset with myself over that. And no amount of facebook stalking will relieve that). Maybe I'm not meant to fall "in love". Maybe I should remain content with falling "in lust".
The weirdest thing is that it doesn't make me upset. I've resigned to the fact that the world is ending before I have to deal with people wondering why I'm the old spinster.Yet even my dad told me the other day that I need to find a boyfriend. Thanks for the pressure dad. It used to be "Finish school!" and now it's "Find a husband". Everyone has these expectations of the trajectory that your life should take, especially as a female. First you finish college, then you find a husband and then you have kids. It's as if my college education was simply our new age form of a dowry. The more higher education, the better the prospects you can attract (the same can also be said for breasts).
I'm not sure that I'm ready to deal with this aspect of my life. I also need to stop becoming friends with people that I could like. I hate the thought of potentially ruining a friendship. I think our generation has also forgone dating, and now we're content with the facebooking and sending text messages in lieu of actual connection. Plus I don't like it when creepy guys facebook me. So where do I find this gentlemen of quality? The most consistent answer I get is "on the train". That sounds like a good idea in theory, and I've seen some hot tamales on the L, but if you know me, you also know that the weirdos love to attack me while I'm on public transit. I've got a story for stop on the L train.
All I know is that I need to figure out what I'm going to do soon. Till then, as always, Fuck Bitches. Get Money.
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