my personal motto...

Yesterday I read an article on cosmo.com that raised questions in my head all day. It was about the perfect age to get married. Apparently the experts at Cosmo feel that age 25 is the perfect age for a female to tie the knot. They didn't mention anything about the potential spouse's age, but they confirmed that a woman knows herself around age 25 and can handle pressures of a marriage. Now I don't really care when a chick decides to jump the broom. As long as none of my friends pops out a kid prior to 25, I'm good money. But I started evaluating my life after reading that article. Hey sometimes Cosmo can do that to a girl.
    I'm realizing that my feminist attitude towards life may be a hindrance as well. In many ways my motto in life is "Fuck Bitches. Get Money". I don't really care for the icky entanglements of a relationship. I would much rather flirt with a bevy of boys until I get bored and then move onto another crop then to be tied down to boy that wants to divulge his mommy issues. Gross. However, the selection pool is getting slimmer and slimmer and realistically how much longer can I go on without a real relationship? When I look at my future, the most prevalently consistent theme is my career. I want to be an actor/direct/producer/philanthropist. But I do want to be a wife/mother/baker extraordinaire. Those two sides of myself don't reconcile very well with each other and I think the career side won out because I've had the most control over that particular area of my life. I can't choose when and with whom I fall in love. But I can choose which internship to apply for and where to send my resume.
      I think the lack of control in a relationship is my biggest turn-off to the whole endeavor. Once you're in a relationship, you have to learn to compromise. My parents have been madly in love for over thirty years and it shows. They work extremely hard at their relationship and put in the time and effort to make it work. However, they both had to sacrifice some of their dreams to get there. If you ask either of them, they don't regret it, but they wish it could have worked out somewhat differently. I don't want to become a slave to my relationship and not be able to fulfill myself. However in my attempt to guard my heart and personal vision, I've built a wall so high and sturdy that even I couldn't climb over it. I've been so safe in terms of boys and have just chocked up every chink in my armor to a stupid boy who didn't mean anything and then I'm "on to the next one".  I've even gone so far to sabotage futures with people I really cared about because I didn't want to risk falling in love.
       In the past few days, I realized that I was crushing on this boy and I didn't know how to handle it. I care about him, but I can't see a future with him. I only see the potential heartbreak. I've never seen a future with anyone (well except for one kid, but I can't even go into that. I'm still upset with myself over that. And no amount of facebook stalking will relieve that). Maybe I'm not meant to fall "in love". Maybe I should remain content with falling "in lust".
           The weirdest thing is that it doesn't make me upset. I've resigned to the fact that the world is ending before I have to deal with people wondering why I'm the old spinster.Yet even my dad told me the other day that I need to find a boyfriend. Thanks for the pressure dad. It used to be "Finish school!" and now it's "Find a husband". Everyone has these expectations of the trajectory that your life should take, especially as a female. First you finish college, then you find a husband and then you have kids. It's as if my college education was simply our new age form of a dowry. The more higher education, the better the prospects you can attract (the same can also be said for breasts).
        I'm not sure that I'm ready to deal with this aspect of my life. I also need to stop becoming friends with people that I could like. I hate the thought of potentially ruining a friendship. I think our generation has also forgone dating, and now we're content with the facebooking and sending text messages in lieu of actual connection. Plus I don't like it when creepy guys facebook me. So where do I find this gentlemen of quality? The most consistent answer I get is "on the train". That sounds like a good idea in theory, and I've seen some hot tamales on the L, but if you know me, you also know that the weirdos love to attack me while I'm on public transit. I've got a story for stop on the L train.
       All I know is that I need to figure out what I'm going to do soon. Till then, as always, Fuck Bitches. Get Money.