Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Dear Old Love,

             Most of my friends dream of their perfect guy; the man they'll marry. (Ahem Josephine). They spend hours (days) outlining every character trait, physical specification, religious dogma and ethnic lineage that he'll possess (A musically-inclined, funny but not too funny, above 5'10 but shorter than 6', catholic Korean male. Ahem Jo ahem). While most women have already planned out their dream wedding, they neglect to plan to the events that tend to precede the nuptials. No, not that sweet, stressful engagment period. I'm talking about even before that. Yes, I'm referring to all your past boyfriends. I think too often we focus on the walk down the aisle, instead of the lovers that got us there. You're with your future husband for the rest of your natural born lives (or 5 years, depending how you roll); That's a really long time. You wake up every day with that person, plan most of your meals with that person, raise kids with that person and then at the end of the day you still only get to fuck that person. Now don't say I'm not romantic. I've got that bone somewhere. But I relish excitement more. That's why instead of choosing my bridal colors, I'm planning for my future ex-boyfriends. Here's a list of all the guys I want to date (and bone) before I jump the broom:

 1. The Older Man
        Yes, I have a sick obsession with older men and my spouse may actually be from a generation before mine. But if the fates don't align to bring me a silver fox in my matrimonial bed, I want to at least have shagged one. No, I don't just want to fuck him, I want to be in a serious relationship with him. I think there is something sexy about a man who knows who he is and exactly what he wants. You know what, there's something sexy about a man, in general. Now, I love the boys, but I definitely need to upgrade at least once.

2. The Bad Boy
           I don't mean the generic, fake bad boy, who pretends to be bad but really when shit gets real, he's nowhere to be found. Fuck that loser. I want the boy that my mother and all the Lifetime television mothers warned me about. He's been arrested a couple of time. He's covered in tattoos and he has some fake ass job. He can't be a drug dealer because I'm not being indicted on that shit with him, but he could be a music producer or make miniature sculptures. He'll smoke and drink a ton. He'll get into fights at bars over some guy spilling my drink. Why do I find this attractive? I don't know. Maybe it's because all those things seem very testosterone driven and I find it difficult to find a man tougher than me. I'd just like to see how it feels to be a damsel for once.

3. The Banker
         Now this type I don't typically find attractive, but I need to date the prototype of a douchebag in order to know what makes them tick and how to play nice with them. All of my friends will marry bankers and I can't be excommunicated out of the group; and I need couches to sleep on while I get mys hit together. Plus I deserved to be taken out to fancy meals and bought expensive gifts. Heck if Mr. Right doesn't come through for me, I wouldn't mind Mr. Moneybags.

4. The Child
         This is one is more of a wish if I'm not married by 30. When all my friends are engaged and spending their nights drinking wine and having dinner parties, I want to be in the clubs where it isn't embarrassing to be single. Why should I be reserving my hotness for those stupid "grown up" events. The Child will take me to the newest, hippest locales and keep me relevant in popular culture. So what, if I have to pay for everything? I'm going to be a baller.

ETA: Changes to height were made so that Jo doesn't recieve application from Korean Catholics who are shorter than 5'10. My apologies.