Wednesday, January 19, 2011

hump day...

I'm sitting at my desk at work, bored beyond belief. The Internet holds nothing for me and I've already posted like 6 things to my facebook wall. I'm contemplating cracking open a bottle of vino but I don't want to be the only one drunk at work. Although it wouldn't be a first. The saddest part is that I was on craigslist looking for job opportunity. Note to self, when looking for jobs online, don't use craigslist. If you're in the tv/film category usually all they're ever looking for are extras, porn models, and weird "Are you fat and proud of it" applicants.          
          I'm just so over being stuck. I've been in the same place for eight months and I thought things would move on a little quicker. After graduating college, I thought things would just fall into place. Sure I don't have a "plan" per say, but I assumed I would rub elbows with the right people and then I would be successful. I look at bitches like Lena Dunham who has the life I want right now. She's a writer/actor/director and won the highest award at SouthxSouthwest. She's developing a series for HBO with Judd Apatow, adapting a screenplay, and working on her own projects. Did I mention this harlot is only two years older than me? While I don't actually think she's a bitch (the jury is still out whether she's a harlot), I'm supremely jealous. What does she have that I don't have? Possibly talent, but that's besides the point. Why can't I lead her life?
         The most aggravating aspect of my life at this stage is the lack of a blueprint. It seems for every other career, there's a certain pathway that one should follow in order to end up at a desired destination. But when your goal is to be a filmmaker, the road ahead of you is blocked by wild vines, poisonous trees, and unpaved stones. It's fucked up. I've gone from the life of being an aspiring doctor where I knew where my life was going for the next six years, to be a slacker. I hate it. I want to be making moves. I want to Fuck Bitches and Get Money, but I don't have the tools.
          I guess I can't rely on the kindness of strangers and I'm going to have to pull myself up by my over-the-knee boots. It's not that I'm adverse to hard work, but I'm terrified of failing--especially if I have no one else to blame but myself. The worst part of this "hard labour" is that it doesn't pay well. I get that I have to "pay my dues" but damn why is the interest rate so high. Being broke doesn't look good on me.
               I know I'm whining and simply looking for the easy way out, but you shouldn't judge me. It's hard to suddenly know where your life is going and then to realize that it was all an illusion. The worst part is that I'm contemplating the corporate path. When they say benefits, it isn't just the health insurance (which as most kids may age know, isn't something to scoff at), the the knowledge that your life is stable. You can plan vacations and dinners because you have a fixed income. I'm afraid to buy shoes cause what if that freelance check doesn't arrive this month. Alright, enough of this complaining. Tomorrow I'm going to be rejuvenated and start kicking ass. But tonight will be a movie night and nail painting.

1 comment:

  1. its the worst when you ask people above you how they got there, and their answer is "things just fell into place..."

    on a good day, i'll be optimistic and hope that my life will fall into place...

    on a bad day... wtf.... so if things don't fall into place then what? live on the streets? be a 30 year old hostess?

    freelance is such a euphemism for LOST

    but i love you... keep writing <3